So I haven’t been here for a bit again. And the problem is the Universe just will not let up – even a little. Hubby has one chemo session left – and for that I am thankful.
I have written before about the anxiety this brings – so I won’t dive in to all of that again.
On the other hand – hubby also has shingles – and dammit – why is it that once you have one horrible thing you are automatically prone to so many others?
There is this idea that seems to float around about karmic balance. As far as I can tell it’s a kind of unspoken agreement we feel we all have with the universe – a thought process that implies that somehow the universe is fair. Its also horrible for those of us who get hit with things like cancer or MS or any other chronic condition and the wasteland of horrible things that come with it. Because it implies that either we deserve this, or that we did something to deserve this. The other one I hate is that god apparently won’t give you something you can’t handle. It is another kind of balance the universe type thought.
The thing is that dwelling on all this supposed balance in the universe, or even on the concept of fairness is draining in its own right. I could rail at the universe for days – in fact I admit I have been a bit angry with the world in general. It takes a lot out of you to be angry at the world. Every time we get hit with something else I go through a process where I have to be angry, and resentful and it takes more self-talk to bring myself around each time to the normal place. The place where the whole family isn’t on the trigger waiting to explode over the unintended wrong word or fall apart over every small thing. Each time it happens I am not alone, the whole family goes through it too – and we all move at different paces – but you can bet there will be at least one day where our worst feelings coincide and we are unable to reassure each other that everything will be OK, because we just can’t find it in our hearts to believe it will be. How can I reassure those around me when I am grasping for it myself?
We aren’t a family that is ugly to each other. But on those days – we are. We lash out at those we love the most because the fact they need us to be better is draining and difficult. This is the hard part. This is the hard part about all of it. On our good days <which are most of them – this is important to know> we recognize that we are all humans going through something hard. But on our bad days we are angry, and we are angry at the world and betrayed by the concept of fairness in the universe.
It’s very hard for me to say the anger has a place in our world. It does have a place though. If you can’t ever stand up and say that THIS is UNFAIR – then you are shoving that feeling away, and in our case at least, it always gets out; the longer it is stuffed away, the meaner it is. You need to be able to acknowledge anger. I know I am sunshine and roses a lot of the time, and I work very hard to mentally stay at peace with things, but you really can’t help but be angry sometimes – and not acknowledging it is hardly positive. The only takeaway here is that for us – what it means to be a couple, to be a family has evolved to contain room for something else. That something else is the right to be angry with the world and to be forgiven for it. That it is OK to not be strong enough some days to deal with it all, that extending patience to someone who needs the same can be hard.
But also, that letting go of the idea that life is fair can be kind of empowering, even if it takes a lot of crap to get there.