I know it has been a bit – so here is the quick update –
Chemo is doing the trick – or maybe Lupron is- but Hubby’s PSA is now down to 13 – which is a totally reasonable number given what we started with.
At any rate – since he is tolerating chemo pretty well, we are playing the how low can you go game and signed him up for four more sessions. He is entirely thrilled about this development (or not).
And I find myself wandering around in a brand new forest with totally different trees. As we went through this whole chemo bit, the end game was clear. It was to get my hubby better. Only now that we are at the end I realize we are better, but we are also standing at the edge of a moving precipice. He is better FOR NOW. For some unanticipated length of time. Until he is not. So I keep thinking I am getting this – I am learning how to live with this hanging over my head – and then it throws a brand new thing at me and is all “surprise – look what I found right around the next corner!” and it ALWAYS requires me to rethink everything.
I tell everyone that it’s all OK – that you can’t really dwell in fear and what not – life won’t let you – like it or not you find yourself just living, grocery shopping, paying the bills, walking together like you always do, and laughing together while you go about it all. Still sometimes we walk around the elephant in the room, sometimes we laugh about it, and sometimes we rage at it. Privately I am melancholy about its presence. Privately I sense that hubby is still raging and may never stop. I rationalize that this is what resilience is really like. Resilience is simply doing what you always do despite what the world does to you. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. I mean its so simple – keep calm and carry on – but its also like the duck – calm on top and paddling furiously underneath.
On another note – we finally dined at White Fence Farms last night – for all in Denver I think this is a required thing. Hubby and son were less than enthusiastic – but I found it charming and the food was A-OK. Although really it was like eating at a Kansas funeral – fried chicken and mayo based salads, so if you ever had a really good Kansas funeral meal cooked by the ladies auxiliary – then you get it. If you have a hankering for that type of food but are not fond of church basements and funerals, then White Fence Farms is your place.
And if you are still here for the knitting – I have been playing Zelda – and that has consumed all my knitting time- BUT I have been Ravelry lurking and dreaming of new shawls and cardigans – so something is bound to hit the fan soon – either I will find out what size needles are NOT in use and start something new with them or I will actually pick up something and finish it – but I figure why not surprise myself – everyone else surprises me 🙂