Hubby has only two chemo sessions left. Two-2-to-too…<yeah I go a little incoherent here. The thing is it has worked. His PSA is at 1.8 and given that we started at 6800…this is something to be VERY happy about.
Right now it seems like life might return to somewhat normal. We actually went on vacation this year – a crazy road trip of over 3,000 miles, 5 national parks, 5 states and a new appreciation for each other and home cooked food. Yet it looms in the back of your head..he did it. He made it through this round of treatment. How long are we good for? How much time did this buy us? But that is the problem – some questions just don’t have answers. So when we walk out after the last session – its like we are walking into a dark hallway – we know its a hallway – we just can’t tell what is at the end or where it ends.
Still it is summer – summer has always been my happy place – and although it is harder for me with the heat (MS and heat do NOT play nice) the longer days, the more relaxed feeling that seems to settle in with late dinners and later night strolls, its where I am happy to be right now. I read a lot about dealing with the things life throws you, and have learned from a variety of sources that resiliency can be cultivated – the ability to go through life’s bumps with grace – can be cultivated. Practicing gratitude, which for me is a kind of meditation on the good things is a key to being resilient. I have to sometimes work very very hard (much harder than I like to admit) to find the bright spots. And I am not convinced that internally I am as resilient as I am externally. But despair and fear are part of the chronic illness journey – as present as they can be in my life – they are not the face I want to wear around the world.
As far as knit? still knitting dishcloths – can’t seem to help myself. They are meditative knitting – the kind where you don’t think, you just knit. And the ability to focus on something that is not cancer, or MS, or work, or any of life’s other stresses, to just mechanically do something where you can live in the moment – or just be in the moment – or not even acknowledge the moment – that’s a whole different kind of thing.